Humility, Honesty, Holiness

It has been a while since I've posted here...I have fallen behind in my reading in Created to be His Help Meet. I've been reading a book by raw foodist Paul Nison, and another book by another faw foodist on creating healthy children. In addition, I have started a Bible study with a sweet friend I met through Reece's Rainbow and our adoptions. She lives in Texas and her and her husband adopted an absolutely adorable little boy from Ukraine just a few months before we adopted Maria. We have some things in common and feel a connection. So each week we use Skype and do our Bible study together. I am so enjoying sharing and getting to know her better. I praise God for bringing us together.

In thinking about this blog, it is about my journey with Dom, but also about my own personal journey with the Lord. If I am not honest with my thoughts and sharing my life in this personal blog journal, then what is the point. So, what follows below is my heart ripped open and raw, a journey through humility, honesty and holiness... what follows below is an account of my experience yesterday, and me reaching out in the hopes that in sharing my heart God will use this to encourage another mom "in the trenches"... so, here goes...

i feel led to share this morning, in the hopes that somehow this will be an encouragement to you one day... so I share my praise with you, as well as asking for prayer for myself. I am doing a Bible study via skype with a friend I made through Reeces Rainbow. We skype on wednesdays and this week's focus was humility and focusing on God's holiness. I am so thankful to be led to focus on His Holiness. It has made a huge difference yesterday, and I will share this painful day I had yesterday...I think this may be long!

I did not get up as early as I would have liked to, but I did start my day with prayer knowing that I can do nothing without Him. The day started out good, Donatella had her first tennis lesson at 8:30 in the morning. I have been praying about finding something for her that does not involve Maria, where she can receive the full attention of a coach, instructor, etc. One evening a few weeks ago when I drove to the pool I saw the tennis instructor giving lessons to a group of 4-5 year olds. We talked about it and at first she was not interested, then she came to me a day or two later and said, "Mom, I shouldn't have said I don't want to play tennis, I should be open to trying everything, so I would like to go." I was so proud of her, and she did great. The coach is such a lovely man, very kind and of a gentle spirit, so encouraging, and it is private lessons where she is the only student. From there we all went food shopping and that's where things started to fall apart - and it was only 9:30 in the morning! I tend to be stressed on food shopping days anticipating that there will be some goofing off in the store, touching things, arguing about who is going to put what in the cart, asking me a hundred questions about can we get this or can we get that, etc. No matter how much I prepare, I seem to be always disappointed in at least one of their behaviors, and then I cannot concentrate and I feel like a spinning top trying to manage all of them around me. I hold my cool, but on the inside I feel like a frazzled wreck, and then I lay in to them when we get to the van. And we shop at two stores so if the first one doesn't go well, I'm already on edge before I get to the second one. The second store actually went pretty well, but I felt like a bundle of nerves inside. (The kids asked if they could set up a lemonade stand today because they want to earn extra money. In addition, they want to sell other "items" (trinkets they are no longer using, crafts they are making, etc) and I feel pressure to get this all set up for them, which we are doing.) On the ride home from the second store it was just non-stop questions and wanting my attention from all 4 of them, "Mom this" and "Mom that"... I just could not listen any more and I started to cry and told them all to please stop talking - I don't even remember if I used the word please!. And it just got worse all afternoon... I kept saying over and over "Jesus, this is just too much for me, but I know it's not too much for you, help me." They want to play with me all the time, and they know that Dad is much better at playing and pretending with them than me... and I just wanted to call my husband and say i am here all day providing all their needs - school, meals, discipline, getting them out playing, swimming, taking them with me everywhere I go for every errand and appointment and by the late afternnoon I have no more emotions or brain cells to give (but I know Jesus does), so when Dom comes home he's all ready for them full steam. I feel it most when he travels, which he is doing this week and he won't be home till late Saturday night. So at around 4PM yesterday I had a complete melt down like I have NEVER had before - it felt more like a panic/anxiety attack. I felt my breath labored and I could not stop crying, it wasn't even crying, it was uncontrollable sobbing, and crying out to God. I cried out everything, my sins over these last months, my struggles, and i kept saying it's too much for me but not for You... the kids did not know what to do and I just wanted to be by myself but they would not leave my side, very uneasy and upset. Little Dom brought me a Bible and said "Mom, you need to read this right now, and please stop crying." He pointed me to Psalms 100. I could barely read it, but I did , and put it down, and kept in my emotional state... and then I asked him to bring me the Bible again, because i think God wants me to read that over and over, which I did...."Shout for joy to the Lord...worship the Lord with gladness, come before Him with joyful songs...enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with Praise, give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." I asked dom to get the Hymnal book and find hymns of praise. We sang together and over and over "Holy, Holy, Holy".. as we continued through the verses the darkness I felt completely lifted and my voice returned to normal, my crying stopped and a warm smile came to my face and we continued to sing together. And I thought Lord you are being glorified right here, right now. And I poured out praise and thanksgiving. After that we all made dinner together and I felt so beautiful inside, and I kept singing that hymn... and I sang it again last night, this morning, and will continue to do so in praise and worship to Him.

How he works in our lives to draw us to him, to reveal his holiness to us... i am in awe of this awesome God! He literally stripped me down to bring me back to him, and to get me to focus on His holiness. Praise the Lord, He lifted me up!

Thank you to everyone in my life who encourages me. Please keep me in your prayers.

Children: I love you so very much...thank you my children, and God, for loving me even when I don't love myself.

Love, Michele
"Holy Holy Holy, Lord God Almighty!
Early in the morning our song shall rise to thee;
Holy Holy Holy merciful and mighty
God in Three Persons, blessed Trinity!"
(first verse)